I’ve been hiding from you.
Okay, I’ve been hiding from myself.
I’ve been calling myself a coach for a while now – and it does fit, sort of. I mean, it is a part of what I do…
But at the heart of me, I am not a coach.
At the core of me, what I am, what I have always been, is a designer. A designer and a writer. Doing those two things brings me the greatest pleasure in this world.
The wonderful people I meet and co-create with, and the way in which we design together (through coaching) is important, but is secondary to my deepest pleasures and god-given talents.
I was hiding my designer behind a coach because…
I thought I’d like me better as a coach.
I thought I sometimes think that my value lies in what I do for others, not in who I am. Being a designer, in my old mind, wasn’t “good enough”, it was too much aesthetics and not enough about strategy and helping others. Even though design, to me, is all of those things and more.
Coaching felt safer. It kind of fit and I felt more confident with the description. It helped me to not deal directly with my denial of my designer. It allowed me to feed her sideways off the coaching table. So I did. And have for the last two years.
I thought you’d like me better as a coach.
Why? I don’t know.
… because I doubted my talent to design, but not my talent to help and support you.
… because I thought you’d like and respect me more.
… because I didn’t trust the designer in me, and I doubted you would either.
… because I didn’t want to deal with what I love being reduced to aesthetics when I know it as so much more.
I see now that it doesn’t matter what you think about design — or my designs. It matters how I feel when I’m designing. If I design, I am a designer. This is a fact. And it can not be erased by what I actually create, or how anyone else feels about those creations.
I love to design. I love me as a designer.
It makes me sparkle. And, while I love to talk with and support others, I love to create more.
I am, from this moment forward, embracing this. I’m ready to be who I am. It is good enough.
Maybe it won’t be good enough for you, but it’s finally good enough for me.
The truth of me.
I love to write and to design. It is my heart and it is where my passion lies. Everything else I can do is a wonderful bonus.
Check out the new DESIGN section of my site to see me clearer, and my value to you. I’ll be adding more to it soon but feel fee to take a look around in the meantime.
photo credit: Six Studio