I Don’t Feel Like Playing Anymore

I Don’t Feel Like Playing Anymore

My Game

There are a lot of rules to my game. Too many to follow it seems. There are the rules I’ve learned from others. And then there are the ones I’ve wrote myself.

It can be easier to see the rules and expectations others have imparting on me, but the ones I impart of myself are the most limiting.

Those rules, those self-imposed ‘shoulds’, are what keep me in victim mode, limited and continuing to play my games, even when I don’t want to, nor acknowledge I am.

I’ve been noticing it in myself, my game playing. I usually start playing when I approach a relationship issue with the notion there are only two solutions or outcomes. I have to do this OR I need to that.

I make rules for how the problem can be solved. I make rules for something that, in reality, has no rules. I am creating constraints so that I can feel more safe and secure, more in control of something I can not be the master of. No matter what I choose to do, I can not control what You do.

Perhaps before I felt like I was playing my game well, or maybe I didn’t know I was playing at all… I’d learned my set of rules so long ago that they seem so natural and true. It didn’t feel like I had a choice in playing, or how I played. But I do and always have.

When I feel frustrated, I have the power to explore the rules I’m creating that are leaving me feeling limited, and I have the ability to commit to using my energy to find other choices. I have the choice to check in with myself and truly make sure I want to start play the game I am unwittingly starting.

photo credit: StudioTempura

The End of My Superficial Relationship

The End of My Superficial Relationship

Committed

For decades I’ve been in a casual relationship with you. I wasn’t ready to commit to you fully.

Today, I am not feeling so balanced, and my commitment to you, as usual, wants to falter. And yet I am here.

This is what we’ve been working towards. A space where I feel trust and commitment in my relationship with you, my writing.

It’s taken a slow build-up to get here, our relationship has been like learning to speak, and learning to love, a language. A little bit of practice each day and eventually I’ve found myself feeling more natural with you.

Today, I find myself where I wanted to go. I can feel the love I have for you again. Of all the things I desire, feeling my love for you was what I wanted most of all.

It makes sense that it showed again when I committed to showing up for you.

You are a relationship I want to nurture and support, to be present to, and I am learning to care for you as I would any partner in my life. You are no longer my superficial love, we are no longer casual. I am committed to grow with you through whatever life brings.