When I feel I need to perform, my mind jumps to conclusions over and over about how YOU are interpreting and enjoying what I am doing or have done. Over and over I come up with negative judgements about what I have produced, and what YOU have decided.
I can’t be perfect. IT can’t be perfect. And yet I WANT (it) to be, and, in part, I feel I NEED (it) to be.
Maybe then SHE would be satisfied. I AM my own worst judge.
Perhaps, my conclusions will always happen. Perhaps, my mind, my inner critic, will always have something to say. But I DO have a choice in what I do with these conclusions SHE so easily jumps to.
In part, my judge and her conclusions support me in being focused on doing my best work. BUT when I actively court her conclusions, by giving ample space to them, they always stop me dead in my tracks.
SHE is a part of me, and perhaps I didn’t have a lot if choice in that, but I DO have choice in how much space is given for her to do the damage SHE requires. There is no reason my judge can’t simply be acknowledged, and then allowed to pass.
I see you. I hear you. Nothing more.
I don’t need to hide from her OR let her in. We can live in harmony. I can let her be who SHE is, without needing to attach to her words or thoughts. I can hear her and leave it at that.
You’re my paralyzing thinking, my harshest judge, and I am learning conclusion by conclusion how to live more peacefully with you.
photo credit: Hartwig HKD
