Doing Serious Things Badly
THIS IS SERIOUS, my ego screams.
She wants my work to be great. For her, it isn’t enough to create, it’s only worth while if I create something great. For her, it isn’t about quantity, only quality.
She is not content with letting me practice and discover my process. She wants serious results, and she wants them now.
She, my ego, has begun her screaming, and quickly my previously delightful project becomes a source of anxiety. Doubt has set up shop and I find I’m no longer working for the sake of it. I’m no longer happy just being on the field, suddenly I need to run the fastest and the best.
I’m comparing myself to imaginary others and instead of creating, I have now shifted into competing.
Getting bad at being serious
When my ego gets mouthy I am learning to stop giving her my energy. I’m learning that playing with her, whether in tearing myself down, or pumping myself up, is not to my benefit. The solution for me isn’t found in trying to outsmart my ego. My solution is found in stepping out of my ego’s game completely and accepting that I just might suck.
In being open to doing things badly, I am ground myself and slowly find my humility and joy once again.
photo credit: Paul B.