Rejected and Disappointed

Rejected and Disappointed

RejectedDisappointed

Not wanting to feel it. Apathy towards the whole thing.

Why bother?

Isn’t it curious how we can love something. Someone. So much.

And feel so completely rejected and disappointed by them.

Two sides of a coin.

Love and pain.

How can I care so much, and yet desire to care so little?

Apathy. An easy option filled with complications.

Eventually, the truth will catch up with me.

Apathy. A dangerous act to perform.

It’s hard to keep up. It takes its toll.

Especially when masking the pain of rejection and disappointment.

How long can I pretend before I forget, and the mask falls from my face?

Can I trust myself? Am I that good of an actor?

What if I wore my rejection, my disappointment, without shame?

How might that change things? If you and I were to know the truth?

No reason to hide.

The love and pain, revealed.

Vulnerable. Exposed.

It is what it is. Equanimity. Towards my disappointment and my rejection.

I can learn to love them, as I do you. You’re intertwined, one. Ever present.

All of what I feel deserves to be felt.

Equally acceptable is my love and my pain.

photo credit: Karla Cantu

Skimming the Surface

Skimming the Surface

Shallow

To see only yourself in every reflection, and only the parts you want to see, a life is lived in the shallow end. Where there is deepness and darkness, you do not probe, unwilling to go deeper. Uncomfortable with its truth, you reject and dismiss that which you care not to understand.

To be shallow is to only see—and believe in—the surface facade of others, and of yourself. This shiny surface is so alluring when the darker, less “perfect” aspects of yourself are unacceptable. You live on the surface, so that life’s deeper truths and anyone who expresses them, can easily be rejected.

To dip below the surface is supremely threatening, for to acknowledge the depth possible is to accept the imperfect life we each bear. Dipping below your own facade, your own shiny surface, to acknowledge and accept your own imperfections is more than your shallow heart will currently bear.

Instead, it is easier to see that “other” people have issues, that there is something supremely “wrong” with them. It is easier to point fingers and to place blame. It is easier to not understand and to judge. Resolved of responsibility, comfortable in the shallow end, you do not see the deeper, darker truth of yourself hidden in plain sight. Everyone in your life is a mirror reflecting back the parts you love and dislike about yourself. Those which provoke you and numb you, those which drive you to turn away and to hide from your darkness, are the very reflections you can learn the most from.

photo credit: stttjin

The Cost of Being Agreeable

The Cost of Being Agreeable

NotAgeeable

We learn to articulate our personal power by saying no.

Feeling my desire to be agreeable, and my fear of rejection, I say no anyway. I learn to be more me.

There is wonder in the myriad of consequences created by responding negatively to requests. There is magic in how life moves forward, without interruption. “No” proves to be less important than we think it is.

Our agreeableness is not that valuable. Assertive and at ease, when I can say no with freedom, I can say yes with utmost certainty, sincerity, and enthusiasm. This is the space I desire to be.

Yes almost always has a cost. I can feel good paying it when I know my reasons are rooted in what I value and appreciate. I can no longer be agreeable for agreeable’s sake. The price is one I’m no longer willing to pay.

photo credit: Martin Howard

If I Deserve It

If I Deserve It

Judge

Despite my best efforts to prove the contrary, what I do (or do not) deserve is not in my jurisdiction. I don’t get to decide whether I am worth it. When Life provides me with something wonderful, it’s not my job (or right) to decide if I deserve it. That decision has already been made.

What I (or anyone) deserves is not in my authority. I am not the judge.

When I reject the good things in my life, when I decide something is too good to be mine, I am choosing my unconscious feelings of unworthiness. I’m deciding I’m not worth it, and I don’t deserve it. And if I’m not careful, I’m going to sabotage myself out of the gift I’m being offered.

It’s not in my jurisdiction to judge my worthiness. Whether I accept the gift or not, it’s already been offered to me. Not feeling I deserve it is besides the point.

Choosing gratitude.

To bypass these nagging questions of worthiness, and to grow the good things I receive from Life, I’m improving my focus on gratitude. When I look to my gratitude, I see how it supports me in avoiding the rejection and sabotage my unworthiness creates. In choosing to be grateful for, rather than questioning, what I deserve, I gracefully accept my gift and bypass my unworthiness.

Standing in my gratitude, I understand the truth — this gift is mine to have. Life has deemed it so. Whether I am deserving or not, my real work is to accept this gift with as much grace as I can.

photo credit: Joe Gratz

Saying No

Saying No

No

It’s hard for me to say No sometimes.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t just say it, even though I need to.

It feels wrong.

It feels like it’s not an option.

Despite what I feel, the problem isn’t that I want to say No, it’s me deciding it’s wrong to say No.

When I feel it is wrong to say, my communication ends up reflecting this.

I become unclear, and/or rejecting, and our connection suffers as a result.

But, when I stay in a place where I feel there is no problem in saying No, my communication feels all the more open — to me and the person I am connecting with.

By acknowledging and working with my resistance to saying No, I am able to practice staying light and responding clearly with why no is my answer, without remorse.

I can feel that I am respecting the person I’m communicating with, AND respecting myself as the same time.

I am respecting myself enough to say No when I mean it, and I am respecting you enough not to say Yes when I don’t.

I am me, I trust me and I know what’s best for me. This is what I am acting on and this is what I can feel good communicating.

No matter how you choose to respond.

photo credit: fotogail