I’ve learned something about myself. I have performance anxiety.
It cripples me. It makes me freeze.
When it envelopes me, it blocks me from seeing the whole. It’s hard to see out of it. All I can see is through it.
I’ve had it since childhood, but before now, I hadn’t seen it for what it was. Even thought she’s been right beside me for so long.
Here She Goes Again
My negativity, the voice in my head, she is ANXIETY. FEAR. JUDGEMENT. over what I am. Before I thought she was helpful, saving me from my own embarrassment. But now I see that she acts better than me, in an attempt to keep me down. She needs to feel better than all the shit I create.
How fucking rude. I don’t want people like that in my life. Yet she’s here and she can longer be ignored.
So, I’m working on taming my unwelcome house guest. Because if she wants to stay, she’s going to have to play nice, for I’m going to make shit whether her crabby ass likes it or not.
My Latest Performance
This past month, my anxiety and I have been consumed with creating a video presentation for a business growth conference.
Creating the video helped me to finally see and identify my anxiety. It helped me to clearly see the fear that arises when I feel attention on my expression.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
I want, so badly, to not feel that FEAR when I perceive my creation is being judged. I want, so badly, to stop judging myself so harshly.
I want to love what I’m make without judging what YOU (faceless, cruel you in my mind) will think. I want to love my creations as they pour out of me and not let my silly judgements muck with them.
I Made a Scary Video
I made the video presentation for you (okay, it was actually for the Business Growth Summit, but I was thinking of you). To make it, I sat alone (except for Jack, my canine companion) and I talked to you. Making the video was terrifying and I am petrified of my ‘performance’.
My performance, the presentation, will be live this week. And I’m fucking freaked. But I’m not hiding. I’m trying on my new role, seeing my anxiety for what it is and acting proud of my creations despite it.
I had so much fun making the video. I put my heart into it and I’m feeling ready to love and trust my heart more fully now.
I’m trusting you’ll love my heart too.