On tap and on demand.
I used to be “on call”. Any time you “suddenly” needed me, I was there.
I used to think I was making things better for you by “fixing” them.
I used to use you to make myself feel useful.
It feels great to be needed?
I like being seen as a “great” and “caring” person. I do not like how tapped out I feel as a result.
I do not like how I couldn’t claim the time or energy I needed as safely my own.
Each time I put my life and my plans on hold to accommodate you, I was quieting my voice. Each time I ran to rescue you, I was abusing my creative energy by allowing you to dine freely on my time, talent and energy.
And it made me angry – at you – but mostly at myself.
Now I “care” a lot less.
I’m consciously not investing in those kind of relationships or situations – the ones that are demanding of my time.
I am choosing to honour my right to expect and receive a fair return on my investments in energy.
I’m working to stop robbing myself of the power to effectively invest elsewhere, and in myself. It’s far too sad to consciously know I am squandering my energy when I have the ability to spend it along lines that I find personally and creatively rewarding.
Not on demand and ready for action.
I no longer want to perpetuate my unhealthy adherence to societal demands in exchange for a meager diet that leaves me hungry.
I’m getting help for my helpful condition and I’m forgetting the idea that being on-tap and on-demand attention = loving, and that deferring gratification = coldness. I’m choosing to see my Self in a more empowering light and that self love and respect = valuing what I need from my Self as much as what you need from me.
